Can't plan fun
by BikerChick101
Summary: Nate/Serena one-shot, "The roles were reversed, he left unwillingly and she didn't try to stop him." Please read and review


There was a shift, a sort of impending doom, they could all sense it, she could tell after all she caused it, felt it but she said nothing, did nothing, let the world pass her by. Dan was next to her, he had been for a while now. She chose him, relished in him, the safe boy, sane boy, the one who expected her to be a little better than she is and she wants to be the girl he pictured, still pictures, pre-boarding school, wants to be as pure and good as he thought she was before he realized all she did. It's been a few months since they've gotten together and she's proud that she could keep this relationship alive and so stable without breaking, sans one night, one night can change everything, they both learnt that, she craved it, the change. Being good meant being normal, routine, there was no impulse, some spontaneous moments but she knew fun can't be planned.

This time was different from the last, the rolls reversed, he left unwillingly and she didn't try to stop him. "Leave him," he begged. "I can't," she replied letting a tear fall. "Why?" it was a simple question but one she couldn't answer, how was she to explain that she had to change and he sets her free, lets her do what she wants, doesn't expect, she wants to purge herself from being the person who made all the mistakes she made, no consequences. "I love him," she finally said choking on her words. "You love me too," it was a statement, he knew she loved him and he'd made it obvious that he loved her more than anything else. "I can't undo what I've done, who I chose," it's a whisper but he hears it, if she couldn't give him the real reason, she might as well be as honest with him as she can. "Then let me go," her heart stops, how could she do that? She locks eye's with him, hers reflecting the pain and fear that would come with letting go of what they had but it's the new her, she's meant to try to let go. She nods 'Ok', not trusting her voice or what she may actually say. He kisses her soft and sweet and she savours it, knowing it may be her last. He puts his clothes back on and starts to walk away from her. "Nate," she says her voice low and strangled, her cheeks wet from all the tears, she's struggling to breathe. "I love you, I always will," she feels like she's ripped his heart out when he says those words and she wants to take the pain away, to wrap him in her arms but she knows if she does she'll never let him go.

She can't keep him in her life, loving her like he does, it may hurt him even more (she doesn't know if it's possible watching him now) but God does she want him to stay and endure the pain so she could have more stolen moments with him, quickly she banishes the thought she cant be selfish with him any longer, he deserves better than one forbidden night and many forbidden moments. He turns back one last time before he walks through the door and she looks at him expectantly, "One phone call S, say the word and I'll come back." She watches him leave and pulls the sheet tighter around her body as if it would somehow protect her from the pain that's coming. Even though she knows he's gone, she can't help but blindly follow. She follows him through Chuck, who is in constant contact with his best friend, follows him through Blair, who never fails to tell her what an idiot she is for staying with Humphrey, she follows him through Erik, her little brother confided in Nate and Chuck sometimes, they were like the brothers he never had, she even follows him through Anne, the older woman knows her son better than you'd think she would.

Sometimes she wonders if Dan knows what she does, wonders if he'd spoken to Nate since he left, they were actually pretty good friends even after she chose. Dan would never say it out aloud for the fear of Chuck's wrath but she knew the Brooklyn boy who kept her grounded was thrilled when Nate no longer posed a problem in their relationship. She on the other hand smiled and made conversation but when it all became too much and she realised that he really left, she locked herself up in her room and made Erik tell them that she was at Brown for the weekend, checking out the campus to see if she'd rather go there. Surprisingly Lily helped, Blair and Chuck didn't believe a thing she said but went along with it anyway. Dan and Rufus believed every lie, which she thought was weird for two people who questioned everything, whatever the reason they didn't question her she's grateful.

She can't help what happened, sometimes she's excited and sometimes it terrifies her but she's carrying a secret only he would understand, a secret that she can only keep for so much longer. She wishes he was around, she needs the freedom not the chains, life is too hard to stay in one place and sort out problems like Dan expects her to. It's only been a few months since he's left and already she's feeling constricted by the new life she's forced herself to live, there's no more truth in her lies. There are some days were she loves Dan and some when she doesn't, she isn't an expert on love but she thinks she understands enough to know that you aren't just supposed to turn the feeling on and off the way she can right now, the way she couldn't with him, it's always on (still on) even if sometimes it gets a little dim.

Four months to the day that he left, Blair finds her in her room in the Waldorf penthouse after campus, she's got the TV on and she's sitting in bed, waiting. Dan's being difficult about them being a couple, he's expecting more than she can handle and she misses her freedom even more. She wraps her arms around her best friend and hopes Blair won't ask but its Blair and Blair always asks. "I thought you said you and Humphrey were forever," she says looking at the TV screen. "We have to be," she whispers and Blair holds her tighter, changes the subject, complains that she never goes out with them anymore. Chuck bounces into the kitchen where they are later with her favourite type of Vodka, when she refuses Blair takes a step back studies her more carefully, looks at Chuck with raised eyebrows. "When?" he asks simply, smoothly like asking about the weather that she has to smile at him. Carefully she holds up her hand, palm facing him, fingers spread before taking the bottled water from Chuck instead. "New me remember, I'm changed," she says trying to erase what they know. "Of course sweetie," Blair says softly, suspiciously, knowingly, already planning. "Don't tell him that Dan and I are having problems," she asks, finger to her lips, as if it was the only thing that was going on in her life.

She thinks maybe she can survive not seeing him if she knows he's not dead.

Her mother answers the wrong call on the wrong day and everything goes up in flames, she goes to her mother's house from Columbia to Rufus, Erik, Jenny, Dan and Lily on the couches waiting for her. Dan has flowers and magazines and she's trying to figure out when it turned from a week of her missing Nate to a week of interventions, raised eyebrows and studying looks. All of a sudden she can't breath and she pictures Nate walking away from her, the mistake in her not dragging him back, not choosing him, she falters takes a heavy step back, Dan's already at her side hand on her back to keep her from falling and all she knows is that she needs to run. She thought she could live a life of restrictions she thought she could keep herself from doing what she'd always done, all the mistakes the disappointments, everything would stop once she learnt the Humphrey morals. She's been an idiot to think that she could change herself so drastically and that not being with him was the answer to moving forward, if she thinks about it, he may have been the only person that could help her do any changing.

Erik gets up and takes her to the room, saying he wanted to talk to his sister alone when she sends him a helpless look. "Does Nate know," he immediately asks and she stares at him blankly. "Why Nate?" she asks her baby brother and Erik watches her face as she says his name, measures the way she does things without thinking. "Don't run," he begs. "Don't tell him," she returns and he bites his lip works out the consequences of her request in his head and nods, he'd do anything for his sister, even this. She tilts her head slightly, maybe she should have looked closer to home for her moral compass before destroying their lives by making that destructive decision.

Her head spins when she walks back to the rest of the family, there's hope that her best friend will be close by, she texted Blair already to come to the apartment. Dan's watching her carefully as if she'd break any second and his eyes are darting to her abdomen, she wishes he'd just look at her eyes. The one thing she hated about people finding out a secret is that they ask a lot of questions, questions that she isn't ready to answer, questions she doesn't know the answers to and questions she wishes she'd have asked herself before she made her choice. Blair rushed in breathlessly a few minutes ago, Chuck at her side. They aren't together, Chuck's back to his ultimate playboy ways and Blair is making a name for herself in the fashion world but when the non-judging breakfast club is called even if one is missing they band together to protect each other. Blair's doing the protecting right now, answering all the questions she can't, scolding Chuck when he says things that are unhelpful, watching Rufus so that he doesn't shoot Chuck for stepping foot into his house without Lily talking to him first. Blair once told her that she thinks the only reason Rufus hasn't done anything to Chuck yet is because he's terrified of what Lily might do to him.

Everyone's looking at her now, expecting her to answer not Blair, she looks to her best friend, silently asking her to do the impossible and of course Blair nods, to everyone else, it's a nod of encouragement to the three of them it's a nod of responsibility. She turns to her family gives them a small smile and says "I'm not." There is an outroar, Lily's talking about the call she got, Dan's speaking about the way she's been acting, Erik is trying to calm everyone down, Jenny's rolling her eyes then inspecting her nails and Rufus just stares at her, Blair stands up when she see's her friends face turn. "I am," she says, "S has been protecting me." Chuck takes Blair's hand, turns all the attention away from her, only Erik raises an eyebrow. Dan looks at her then, trying to find something to say that Blair and Chuck are lying but he can't so he just wraps an arm around her shoulder and apologises for the accusations. Again she's shocked at how easily they believe what they questioned so much, even her mother but then again Lily has never paid enough attention to come to any real conclusion about her daughters state of being.

Sometimes she wonders if every decision she makes is the wrong one. She made sure she and Dan got through any fights and under the watchful eye of Blair and Chuck the next two months pass smoothly, she's gotten used to the mask she's had on all this time, lets Dan make her decisions about how they lived, how they worked their way through life, she visited her mother a few times a week just because it was expected of her. She did everything she was meant to do but still it all felt wrong. Sometimes she wonders why she chose the boy she knew was wrong for her. She needed the morals that none of the Upper East Sider's possessed, values that her mother never taught her and her father never wanted to. Somehow her brother learnt it but she didn't. She thinks now that maybe she's just scared of what they could have had, what they had, it was the most powerful thing she'd ever felt. Sometimes she wondered how she survived in this world being the person she was currently trying to change. The non-judging breakfast club is usually the answer but she knows that only one of the four of them was her reason for making it through the tough times and he wasn't there right now because she pushed him away. He was never one to leave, friends and family meant too much to him but she always held a certain hold over him, a power she wishes she didn't possess.

Sometimes she feels Blair should become an actress, she'd win an Oscar award for the way she keeps to her character and makes people believe everything she says. She's covered for her for a few days then said there was a miscalculation, something she ate triggered a series of unfortunate events, that's why she didn't want anyone to know, she needed to be in the clear first. Blair even spent a night or two in hospital, everybody visited her and she cried as if she'd lost something that meant everything to her, even Chuck held her hand and looked distant. Somewhere within the last few weeks she and Dan lost the spark that once made her want him more than anything, he hadn't touched her, they kissed but never went further than that and she's actually glad, it makes her life just a little easier for the moment. She visits Blair and her best friend laughs at how everyone believes so easily, as soon as Lily walks into the room she turns the waterworks on, she doesn't overdo it, she knows not to, after all she's been perfecting her ability to manipulate and lie since she could talk.

They speak about it once while Blair is in hospital, she feels she owes her best friend an explanation. "Who's is it," Blair asks, she's been to every doctors appointment but never said anything about it because she knew that Serena didn't need to be told what she was trying to deny at least not until she really had to accept it. "What do you mean B," she asks, picking at her nails. "You wouldn't withhold information like this if you weren't _sure_," Blair told her then adds, "You also know as well as I do that it can't be _his_." She snorts looks out the window, "Dan and I were always careful but Nate and I…we…the night he left …" she says trails off, shakes her head erases it from her mind, "It could be." It's all she says and it's all Blair needs to know. "I know you're hurting S but you chose this, you can change it if you want to. If you aren't going to tell him then at least have the decency to pretend that you're somewhat excited to be doing this with Humphrey, maybe even tell Humphrey."

She walks back to the loft after Campus a few days after Blair's been released, she's tired and her feet are sore but she loves the fresh air, its good for her (He'd always tell her that). She walks past a mirror and looks at her tiny frame, from the amount she's been eating she'd assume she gained more than the tiny amount of weight she had but nothing's even moved and for that she's worried. When she thinks of Nate enough she feels it, the way her heart pounds in her chest and moves to her stomach. She wishes for the warm arms around her waist, for the laugh she knows is genuine even though she's telling him a ridiculously dry joke, for all the surprises and ideas that she'd had that he'll never turn down because he'd always seen the fun in what they may do, you can't plan fun. One day that's the lesson she'll teach.

She turns the key in the lock thinking she needs a nap or a hot bath, she hopes Dan isn't there yet, he worries more then he needs to and checks on her like she'll run soon. She doesn't mind it though, it feels good to have someone constantly worry about what you may do next, if you're still breathing and if you're still around, it feels good to be wanted but then again when Nate was around she never struggled with that feeling. She walks through the front door and drops her bag at the sight in front of her, through enraged tears she see's Dan and Vanessa, too close, too passionate. Dan reaches for her when they finally realise she's there and she moves back like she'd just been burned, grabs her bag and runs as fast as she can out of the loft, out of his life. The person she looked to, to help her create boundaries, to teach her right from wrong, did what she's done too many times before, what she's trying to avoid. It's not like she didn't expect that he'd get tired of her, she just didn't expect him to do it in that way. He left so she could end up with this boy, she suffered so she could endure more pain, she can't think, can't breath. She wishes for him now more then ever before.

Blair's building is in her sight when she calls him, "I need you," her voice is shaky and soft, listens to the deafening silence. "Meet me at my apartment." She breaths a sigh of relief directs the driver and doesn't think too hard about how long it will take him to get to Manhattan and his apartment, how long till she can be in his arms, she's tired of trying to live a lie, even if it messes her up even more and she never changes, she just wants to be with him. She has the keys, she goes there sometimes to remember what she threw away for a life of restrictions, he kept the place because he knew she wanted it, it wasn't a place Dan would ever want but that's the beauty of it, it's pure high class from their childhood and she loves it. She was meant to go there before going to the loft but decided against it, she wishes now that she had, maybe she could have kept up the lie she was living if she didn't see.

She reaches the apartment and stumbles in to find him already there. "Nate? What are you doing here," she asks launching herself at him. He catches her, he always catches her. The moment takes them back to a few years ago when he surprised her in at the Waldorf penthouse. "Blair called, when you called I just reached." She's so grateful that Blair didn't listen to her, she loves Blair for being the manipulative, bitchy person that she is. "I missed you," she says crying and he pulls her closer to him, she can sense his unsureness of whether to kiss her hair or not she knows he still isn't aware of his boundaries. They both feel it then, the shift, its swift, quick. He pulls back shocked, afraid, gives her a once over and knows what Dan so easily didn't want to acknowledge, what he passed of as a lie.

She's afraid of what he might do now, if he leaves her, she may not survive. Attentively he places his hand back on her body to where he felt it, she stiffens at his touch, feels it again, another shift. She watches as his shocked eyes turn to those of wonder and a small smile appears on his face. She's still afraid of his next reaction of what he's going to say. When he looks at her again his smile is still there but his eyes are sad. "Congratulations," he finally gets out, smile faltering just a little but he pulls it back up again before she can comment. "I bet Dan's really thrilled," he tries to sound upbeat again. The moment he mentions Dan she breaks, tries not to but she does, blames it on a combination of hormones and mixed feelings. She chose the wrong boy, the person who was supposed to show her a way out of the Upper East Side life she didn't want has just proved to her how Upper East Side he had become, how she'd never be free of the expectation that comes with their social standing, the betrayal and disappointments of their world. She wants the right boy, the one looking at her with concerned eyes, the one who would never cheat on her even if the girl is forcing herself onto him, the one who'd love her right. "Not Dan's," she says, watches for his reaction and definitely isn't ready for it.

Blair and Chuck come over as soon as she calls, Chuck throws cold water on his face to wake him up and welcomes 'Nathaniel' back to their city. She sits down next to him carefully and bites her lip, her hands protecting, cocooning and he stares at her before Blair tells him everything he heard was true. He looks at her, thinks back, looks at her again, "I've been gone six months," he says still in denial. "It doesn't matter how long you've been gone Nate," Blair says. "Just that the night you left started something you cannot stop now." He takes her hand, looks up at Blair and Chuck a silent request. Blair and Chuck leave after they promise to go to the Empire as soon as they're done talking.

They sit in silence for a long time, Nate reaches out again, places his hand on the same place again, pulls her closer to him again. "Why didn't you tell me," he wants to know and she can feel a rhythm against his hand that makes her want to smile and wince at the same time. "I didn't want to disappoint you," she says and he immediately pulls back, loses the contact the rhythm becomes a sharp pain. She feels hurt, disappointed, ready to leave before she realises exactly what he thought she meant. "You said that," he starts unable to finish, he stares as she takes a deep breath looks into his blue eyes. "I didn't lie," she takes his hand again and letting the pain drum back into a rhythm. "I just I thought I'd hurt you if I was with Dan," she says. He bends down and kisses the spot his hand was at, she giggles as his lips brush her skin. "I missed that laugh," he says. "I didn't know if you'd want," she trails of and he immediately picks it up. "I do, I told you before I left, I love you, all of you," he says then adds, "I always will." She puts her arms around his neck and pulls him close, whispers in his ear "I never should have let you go." He kisses her neck lets his lips linger. "Changing your mind van der Woodsen?" he teases and she laughs. "I was just scared of us," she says and he smiles, brings her into a kiss that she's waited for, for six months.

"What happened with Dan?" he asks and she knows how curious he is. "Cheated, with Vanessa," she says and he holds onto her tighter, not that she minds she wants to stay wrapped up in him forever. "Ah boyfriend and his best friend, not too far off, should have seen it coming," he teases and she shoves him as he says he's sorry as sincerely as he can, she shakes her head smiles. "I have you, don't need anyone else," she amends. He picks her up, spins her around, kisses her again like his life depends on it, she knows she does. "Getting heavier there van der Woodsen," he says. "Hasn't anyone ever taught you not to pick on a girls weight Archibald," she retorts and he kisses the smile of her face. "Do we have to go back to the Empire?" she asks and he shakes his head already moving them back onto the bed, "Chuck didn't say anything about a time-limit," he says kissing her again and dropping her onto the bed to do what caused their shift.

"How did Dan not notice that?" Nate asks on their way to Lily's a few days later. "Well nothing's really happened with us in the past few weeks you know, he had Vanessa and I was boring," she tells him and he laughs at her. "Not funny Natie," she says and he apologises with a kiss as they ride up to Lily's apartment they break apart when the doors open. Chuck and Blair meet them at the door, everyone else is inside, and the entire thing is way too Brooklyn for their best friends. Nate leaves Serena for a moment to greet Lily and Erik and Serena feels lost and alone without his touch, she wanders into the main room and realises why she had that feeling of dread. Dan walks up to her immediately apologising to her, explaining how things weren't what they seemed and Vanessa just leaned in to whisper something in his ear and he turned at the wrong time. His hands are waving around and she can't help but notice Vanessa and Jenny on the couch watching them intently, scowling at them, they don't approve and right now neither does she. Dan's promising her things now, he's promising to be there for her like he should have been for the past month, to be the perfect boyfriend, to hold her hand through the bad times, to be her best friend, to make her laugh and to steer her in the right direction when she needs to be.

She doesn't know whether to laugh at him or rolls her eyes, turns out she doesn't even need to speak, the way Nate's arms sneak around her waist holding their future, his soft 'Why'd you run away,' in her ear and the way she leans back into him just the slightest bit speaks a million words. Dan watches this with a devastated look on his face and Nate finally looks up. "Hey man," he says and Dan looks like he may faint, Nate came back after six months and takes the girl that _chose him_. Blair and Chuck walk up to them, completely ignoring the Brooklyn one among them and diving straight into the topic of catching up, just the four of them. Dan walks toward his sister and friend his mouth hanging as they watch the golden couple share a kiss in front of them. Blair and Chuck can barely contain their smiles, the four of them are together again.

Lily ushers them all to the table and watches the uncomfortable conversation with a sigh. Nate discreetly switches Serena's wine for water as Chuck and Blair distract the others. Lily stands, asking her daughter for a word once dinner is done, Nate squeezes her hand and she smiles back telling him she can handle this. As she walks into the new room she doesn't know what to expect from the woman in front of her. Of course Lily doesn't have a clue about what's going on in her daughters life, she's fine with Nathaniel being back in New York but she wants to know why it's causing complications with her and Dan. Serena rolls her eyes because it's not Serena's happiness she's worried about, Rufus is getting upset at what this situation is doing to his son. She explains to her mother what happened with Dan but her unsympathetic mother doesn't want to hear about how he cheated she just wants Dan to stop whining so she and Rufus can go back to being happy and the only way to do that is for Serena to forgive Dan, to go back to the unnecessary restrictions and lies and pain that's been plaguing her. She doesn't even answer her mother, she just leaves and hears Lily call behind her, "For God's sake Serena wear something tighter, you look uncivilised." She grabs her coat and Nate when she leaves the room, doesn't say anything to anyone and goes straight to the apartment because she didn't feel like any other company even if it would be her step-brother and best friend.

She lays is bed with him only watching his chest rise and fall, he fell asleep after a while and she couldn't blame him, after all he flew to Manhattan as soon as Blair called to say she needed him and he'd been keeping up with her emotions and demands since he'd been there so she knew how much he needed sleep. She loved everything about him, the way his body turned toward her just the slightest bit, the way his one arm was under his head and the other on her hip, she loved how he would sometimes randomly smile in his sleep and whisper her name softly, adoringly. She loved the fact that he never asked questions that he knew her well enough not to, that he wasn't afraid to be angry at her when she did the wrong thing but at the end of the day he'd still wrap her up in his arms and let her know in the subtlest of ways that it was ok. They could've had so much time together if she just let them, if she stopped running from them. She runs her hands down his body, traces his face, memorises every detail she never let herself forget. She doesn't want to wake him but she needs to kiss him right now, she runs a hand through his hair, touches his nose with hers, watches his smile get bigger. She kisses him, just lets her lips linger on his for a little bit and as she pulls away he pulls her closer, kissing her deeply. She smiles into the kiss loving the way he tastes, "Couldn't help yourself could you?" he growls out nipping at her bottom lip. "I haven't changed as much as I thought I would," she says getting herself as close to him as possible. "I never thought that was a bad thing," he says kissing her again and for the first time she thinks maybe she'll be ok without changing herself.

"Do you want to come to the doctor with me tomorrow?" she asks, playing with his fingers as they lie in bed. She closes her eyes as she waits for the answer, wonders if it was too early to ask him. "Really?" he asks like he's surprised she'd ask, slowly he disentangles his hand from hers so her can rest it on her tummy. "What do you think it's going to be?" she asks. "Surprise me," he replies sleepily. She wakes up the next morning to a phone call from Blair to check if all's well and to remind her of her appointment and the charity event she had to be at that they needed outfits for. She didn't see the point of getting herself an outfit, she doesn't want to go to it, her mother is hosting a fund raiser for a cause she knows Lily couldn't care less about. Nate convinces her to stop hiding out with him and have a girl's day with her best friend. She reluctantly leaves him, lets him go to the Empire and hang out with Chuck for a bit. Blair finds a gorgeous dress and heels, she already has the jewellery that goes with it picked out, the necklace Chuck once gave her matches it perfectly. She insists that she'll find something, when the date gets closer, Blair frowns, always like's things planned way in advance but agrees with her logic.

They haven't been out much in the month and a half that follows, after that dinner she visited her mother once and she demanded a lot of things Serena didn't want to do, leaving Nate was completely out of the question. Dan's called almost everyday, like an obsessed ex-boyfriend, she doesn't take his calls doesn't answer the door when he comes to visit at the Empire, he can't find her at Nate's apartment, doesn't know where it is and she just doesn't want to see him. Erik visits a lot of times, she knows she can't live without him anymore than she can live without Nate, she'd tried it and it took everything out of her to be away from especially them. She stayed in with Nate a lot, just chilling with Blair and Chuck who are back to their maybe, maybe not a couple dance. Sometimes they'd all take a private jet to someplace that no-body would trouble them at, sometime's Nate would just take her, find the most romantic setting's and make sure she feels like the most important person in the world.

Tonight they're in Paris, watching the sunset in the park and having a picnic, she's telling him that she doesn't want to go to the charity event because everybody's going to see her and she looks fat. Nate kisses her tells her she looks absolutely amazing, she's glowing. She disagrees, tells him Blair found a dress that is gorgeous and will fit her but she doesn't like the attention this will bring, everyone will be looking at her and judging her, if he was next to her they'd judge him too. Erik is the only other person out of their circle that knows, she hasn't been out enough for anyone else to find out and when she did go out, she wore a lot of layers, scarves and coats. Nate looks at her and smiles, rolls his eyes promises her that he'd never leave her side and that this is his problem as much as it's hers. She's still really tiny but she feels like a stuffed chicken, the drumming that she felt when Nate first got back has calmed down now, gotten used to her excitement when she thought about Nate or was with him. She loved those little jabs though, it made her happy that Nate can still make her feel like a teenager even though they are now hitting their mid-twenties.

Nate slowly turns her in his arms so they're looking at each other, foreheads bumping, smiles on their faces. "I've known you all my life," he whispers and she looks up at him wondering where he's going with that statement, she's going to say something but he kisses her before putting his finger to her lips, stopping her. "I've loved you since the day we met and I don't think I'll ever stop. I promise that I'll never leave you or cheat on you or take you for granted and you will always be the most important person in my life," he says and she raises an eyebrow looks down at her tummy and back up again, he laughs and puts his hands on her tummy. "Ok you're tied with our future children, my point is that I love you right now and I've loved you 10 years ago and I will love you 10 years from now because you are the most amazing, beautiful, alive person I know," he says and she smiles remembering their conversation so many years ago. "So Serena van der Woodsen, would you do me the honour of being my wife," he asks and she pulls back looks at him shocked, blinks a few times and wonders how she never picked up what he was going to say. There is a velvet box open in his hands, the van der Bilt ring set in the middle of it, sparkling like the tears in her eyes. "Yes," she screams tackling him to the ground. He laughs and hugs her to him as carefully as he can before sitting them back up and slipping the huge diamond onto her fourth finger on her left hand. "Now we have something that will take the attention away from your outfit and onto your accessories," he says wiping her tears and kissing her.

When they reach the empire, Blair and Chuck are waiting for them, sitting and talking with a bottle of wine, juice for her. "Hey guys, how was the date?" Blair asks as they walk through the door, Chuck's smirking and she thinks, 'of course he knew what was going to happen'. She doesn't say anything just smiles and lifts her right hand, palm facing her so they can see the diamonds and wiggles her fingers. Blair screams and runs to her best friend, talking about wedding arrangements and dresses and congratulations are thrown around as she hugs Nate who laughs and hugs her back before going to Chuck and shaking his hand. Bair's inspecting the ring that she wanted so badly in the past when she looks over to him, he winks at her and she blushes, thinks that tomorrow may actually be fun. After all with her and Nate fun always just happened, you can't plan fun. You can't plan a disaster either.

It's not fun though, she shouldn't have even tried to imagine it being fun. She dons the dress that Blair found her, puts on flat shoes and make up, matches her earrings to the piece on her finger that matters the most (she wears no other jewellery) and lets her hair flow the way she knows Nate likes it. She spins and looks at herself in the mirror, thinks she looks pretty good for a girl that could 'pop' at any second. She lays a hand on her tummy and smiles as she turns to the side, she's confident about her baby bump now, its small, firm, looks perfect in the dress. Nate comes in with a tux, hair slicked back, wraps his arms around her delicately and kisses her neck. "Hey fiancé," he teases and she rolls her eyes, twirls the ring on her finger and smiles. "Ready?" She looks at him nervously, takes a deep breath before nodding yes. They arrive at the party and immediately all eyes and camera's are on them. Nate steps out and gives everyone a smile before holding his hand out for Serena to take, she slowly slides out of the limo lets her feet hit the ground, looks into Nate's eye's and finally stands to face the world. They can hear the gasps as her dress falls straight revealing her tummy. She feels uncomfortable with everybody staring at her, bites her lip as she watches the shocked faces and camera lights flash. Nate turns her to him and she loses herself in his eyes for a minute, brings her left hand up to touch his face and hears the gasps again, feels the lights of the camera's even stronger, the pressure of the stares of everybody looking at her ring and her body. "Just say the word and I'll take you home," Nate whispers and she takes a deep breath shakes her head and pulls him down for a quick kiss, for confidence.

He leads her further into the room, hoping that after a few minutes people will leave them alone. Lily insisted there be paparazzi around to capture her work for the charity and she certainly will not be impressed that the spot light is not on her work but on her future grandchild, one that she didn't even know about yet. Erik finds them and she shows him the ring, Nate goes to get them drinks because he knows she'll be fine without him if she's with her brother. She grabs Erik's hand and puts it on her tummy when she feels another kick, he rolls his eyes because she still gets so excited even though he's felt it a ton of times. Lily and Rufus walk over then, they come from behind and Erik steps in front of her to block her tummy from their view when she turns to face them like the protective brother he's always tried to be. Lily loves her dress and wants to know how she's been, she smiles and turns to her brother taking his hand and letting him move from in front of her. Her mother gasps and Rufus looks like he may faint, starts frantically searching the room for Dan and she immediately wishes she pulled her mother aside. Lily doesn't know what her husband is doing, her eyes are fixed on her daughter, she has so many questions. She takes Lily's hand and places it at the spot that's being drummed. Lily smiles up at her, tears in her eyes and she thinks maybe her mother has some maternal bones in her body after all.

Dan rushes to them with Rufus huffing and puffing, looks at her and literally falls back onto his father. He quickly regains his composure and looks at her tummy, with wide-eyes. "You lied," he accuses. "You're having a baby, my baby." He says and she and Erik both freeze, look at each other nervously and back at Dan who missed their exchange. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asks not realising that her face has changed. Nate's been watching her face though, always watching her, he puts her and Erik's non-alcoholic drinks on the table and steps in front of her, stares Dan down. "It's not your baby," he says reaches back to clasp her hand firmly in his. She brings her hand up to place it on Nate's shoulder as she turns her body into his when her family notices her ring. Lily squeals excitedly as Chuck and Blair join them, hugs Nate and congratulates them. Rufus and Dan look like they could be fuming. Chuck smirks at their expressions and raises his glass to the happy couple. "You can't be sure of that," Dan says. "Nate was gone for over six months, he's only been back for two, he can't be the father." Chuck smirks again "And what do you think happened the night Nathaniel left," he says and Dan's face turns sour as he glares as Chuck. Serena's holding Nate's hand tightly, doesn't want to talk to Dan, she knows its Nate's but she can't explain how she knows it, she knows Nate has the same feeling. "It's not possible," Dan says again. She doesn't know what to tell him now, she knows Nate's getting uncomfortable, they've spoken about the small possibility of it not being his child but she's so sure. She moves closer to him, squeezes his hand, reassures him. "We can have a DNA test but I know that the child is mine and my fiancé doesn't need you to stress her out about the paternity so close to the due date," Nate says confidently.

She knew that things always happened in slow motion when it's bad and this was bad, Nate moved her away from him slowly and stepped forward as Dan moved to grab her hand, want to talk to her alone, wants to convince her that she should be with him even though she was now engaged to Nate. Dan swung his hand at Nate, she knew he was angry but she didn't think he'd be angry enough to resort to physical violence. Nate grabbed his hand and pushed Dan away from him, took another step forward away from her so she didn't get anywhere near this fight. All of a sudden she feels it, the shift, the last kick, the release, she feels … wet. "Nate," she screams panicked as Dan tries to go for him again. Everybody stops and looks at her, she stares at him, "Nate, you … I … my … my water just broke," she says clutching her stomach and swallowing hard, wide-eyed, sinks to the ground slowly. It takes Nate a second to register what she's saying, to look down at her dress and Chuck another second to get the limo to come around the back. Nate hooks his arm under her knees and her back, picks her up as a contraction takes her and she squeezes him, one arm around his neck and the other on her tummy, buries her face into his neck.

She screams as they get her onto the bed in the hospital, the doctors are waiting for her to be dilated enough for the birth since she wanted it to be natural, she doesn't know why she wanted to torture herself, she should have just gotten a C-section. They are all around her bed, holding her hands, making jokes, calming her down, Blair even does the breathing with her and she can't help but laugh at Blair's face as she coaches her. By the time Lily, Rufus, Dan and Jenny arrive the doctor's are rushing in to wheel her into the next room. Nate's holding her hand and telling her what a good job she's doing and all she wants is to kill him for doing this to her. He laughs at her and she squeezes his hand tighter, watches him wince and says she hopes she breaks some bones. The doctor can see the head when she starts freaking out, doesn't know if she can do this, she can't handle the pain. Nate squeezes her hand, looks right into her eyes, her blue and his clashing. Nate tells her she can, tells her he loves her and she cries, the pain is too much. "Come on S, we're almost there just a little bit more." She screams loudly as she pushes out with all her might, she can feel her body screaming for her to stop this pain, she can feel Nate next to her wishing her could take the pain away from her, she can feel her baby. She leans back exhausted when she hears the cry of the little baby, Nate leaves her hand for a second to cut the umbilical cord, "Guess what," he says and she smiles at him through bleary eyes. "We have a boy." He leans down and she kisses him, she can't believe what she's just done and when they place her new born son in her arms, she knows all that pain and waiting was worth it to look at his tiny face.

He is brought to her again when she wakes up, her family is sitting around the bed and Nate hands her the little boy. "Hi," she whispers, kisses the top of his tiny head, he moves his hand unconsciously and she thinks it's the cutest thing. Dan's not coming closer to her and she thinks her step-brother has something to do with that. Her baby opens his eye's and reveals Nate's eye's to her, the exact shade, she knows because she's been looking into those blue eyes for as long as she remembers. "He has your eyes," she tells Nate and he smiles and nods, lets the baby wrap his hand around his finger. "I still want a DNA test," Dan says from the side and everybody turns to him to shut up. "We would like you guys to be his godparents," she says when they're alone with their best friends Blair squeals and Chuck smiles and they agree to take on the biggest responsibility of being their best friends baby's godparents. "What if Humphrey has a problem with this," Blair asks. "I don't need a DNA test to prove that he's Nate's," She says and he smiles squeezes her hand.

The day they come home from the hospital is the day they find out medically that Nate's the father. Blair's holding her godson and Serena jumps into Nate's arms relieved that the doctors proved what they knew all along. Rufus is of course upset by the results and wants to know if Nate sabotaged it, after all he is from the Upper East Side. Serena rolls her eyes as her mother apologises and drags her husband away before he starts a fight. She's just figuring out that the Upper East Side is her home, and no matter what she does or how uncomfortable she feels in it at times, it is her life and she loves being there, the society events, the pretences, the scheming, the friendships, the privileges, it's hers and she just has to accept it.

She's made her fair share of mistakes and she's learnt from them, she's laughed, she's cried, she's suffered and she's felt utter joy and she's done all of these things with Nate by her side. Serena stands over her son's cot and smiles at everything they've been through before he was born. Nate wraps his arms around her from behind and she loves that she can now call him her husband. There's so many things she's learnt and all of that she wants to pass on to her baby but the most important is that he should make the most of everything he does because like she's learnt in the past, you can't plan fun.

* * *

><p><strong>A\N : Hey guys, I've been wanting to write a one-shot for a really long time and this is kinda what I came up with, I dont know how good it is but I hope you guys enjoy it!<strong>

**This is probably the longest one-shot I've ever written and it was way longer and done like four times, the begining always struck me as awesome but the ending just never worked, I'm not even sure about this ending, but I'm pretty happy with it ... so please review and tell me what you think!**

**The first line of this story popped in my head and from there it just developed into this huge story that made no sense until it was written hehehe**

**I do not own Gossip Girl or any of the characters**

**So enjoy and review cant wait to see what you guys think of this one! (^^,)**


End file.
